Grey Skies
by omalleyanatomy26
Summary: A one shot told from Castiel's POV after what happened in The Man Who Would Be King


**I haven't written an SPN episode in forever but this episode drained me so much emotional and I wanted to try a fic using Castiel's POV because I found it wonderful to watch**

I vanished quickly. I couldn't go back to heaven, not with Raphael looking at me. So I found a park and sank down onto a bench. I couldn't get Dean's words out of my head.

_"Besides Sam and Bobby you are the closest thing I have to family."_

Family.

I had considered them very dear friends but the concept of family was still very new to me. We had a different kind of family in heaven, different than the human's perspective of family. I wasn't sure what I felt now that I realized how close they had regarded me. They really did appreciate me more than I realized they had. If I had known what I know now would I still have made the decision to work with Crowley? I don't know.

I couldn't get over Sam's anger towards me. The fact that he thought I had returned him without his soul on purpose hurt me. I thought back to the moment when I decided to pull Sam out, I owed Dean and Sam that much. Sam didn't deserve that fate. It was damned near impossible, with him being trapped inside the cage that held both Lucifer and Michael. Both were torturing him in unspeakable ways so I had to be to be quick about it. I should have asked for help but I wanted to be able to do this for the Winchesters. I had saved Dean once, and I thought I would have been able to save Sam. I had no idea about his soul not being there. I never would have rescued him like that. The idea of his soul being left there pained me when I realized what was wrong with Sam. It was my fault, all of it was, but I couldn't tell Dean that. I couldn't let Dean know I screwed up. When Sam walked away after watching Dean in the window I realized then I couldn't tell Dean. Sam didn't want Dean to know. I didn't understand why at the time but I realized it wasn't my place. That when Sam wanted Dean to know he'd tell him. I should have realized then Sam would never have walked off without letting Dean know he was alive. Why didn't I see that now? It was so clear thinking back that Sam wasn't Sam. I guess it was me in denial, praying that Sam was Sam agian.

I remembered feeling so relieved when Sam got his soul back and so worried about what would happen to him. If he died that would have been my fault too, for making that one crucial life threatening mistake. My eyes blinked back tears as I stared at the night sky. I felt so alone and so confused, with no one to talk to. Most of my collegues were in a middle of a war and I wouldn't really consider them friends. Not like I did with Rachel before I had to kill her. There was Balthazar but...I shook my head. He'd just laugh at me and call me crazy for getting so worked up over the Winchesters.

No one could understand what it meant to feel connected to a human, to more than one human, because none of them dared to try and get attatched. None of them dared to even talk to humans, and most didn't want to.

I was the outcast, the rebel that started the cvil war in heaven-the rebel that wanted freedom over power and control. I should have seen Raphael coming but after stopping the apocolaypse I had hoped that the worse was over, but I was wrong.

My body felt cold against the bench and I realized that it was getting later and later. I didn't care though, I felt-numb. As numb as an Angel could feel. I still wasn't used to expresing these feelings, for so long I just did what I was told. I always had to look at the bigger picture, it was the only way of life I knew of and to suddenly change seemed impossible to me. I would always look at the bigger picture, out of pure impulse. The need of the many outweigh the need of the few type deal.

It pained me to see Dean try and be so loyal, only to be betrayed. The idea of him thinking that I betrayed him on purpose made it worse. I didn't mean to, I didn't even realizes I was doing it. What Crowley said made sense, bigger picture wise, and the more invested in the plan I became the more confused things got. I couldn't make sense of right and wrong. Was that what freedom was? Deciding what was the right thing yourself? But then how would you know what was right if no one could tell you it?

"Please," I begged as I looked up. "Please I need guidence. I need help."

I knew he wouldn't talk to me, he never did. But I needed someone's forgivness. I needed him to tell me it was going ot be okay, that the Winchesters would forgive me, that Dean...

My throat closed at Dean. I had grown very fond of him, very attached. Dean used the word _brother_

He thought I was as important to him as Sam was and I didn't know how to respond to that. Their relationship had always amazed me, how they fought destiny and fate side by side. How at the end of the day theys tood by each other's side even as the world told them everything would go to hell-litterally.

And the fact that I was part of that relationship confused and comforted me. How was I supposed to react to that kind of news? As old as I am I feel like a brand new person when I'm with the Winchesters. I'm able to express my true feelings, the problem is I don't understand what they are.

A tear rolled down my cheek and it surprised me. I don't cry, angels don't cry. But I wasn't like every angel was I?

If only I could make Dean understand why I was doing what I was doing. If only I could get them to see the bigger picture but I can't. Another tear rolled downwards.

I stood up. Even with what was happenign with the Wincherts I couldn't afford to wait around and do nothing. I had to go back to try and save heaven from Raphael. I could only hope that one day they would understand.

That they would forgive me.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled to no one before I vanished. "I'm so sorry, for everything."

**It's not much and not good but I needed to get it out of my system.**


End file.
